Product Review: Cottonelle Mega Roll

I signed up for Influenster to get rad, free stuff and I decided to properly review each item received for a bit of writing practice. Then I learned that this month’s box is toilet paper. Toilet. Paper. I don’t have much brand loyalty for products in general except for when it comes to toilet paper. I’ve been a consistent Scott toilet paper buyer the entirety of my adult life. Perhaps it is time to branch out? Maybe I’ll switch ass allegiance and become a rabid Cottonelle fan?

tp

Influenster provided me with this product for free in exchange for an HONEST review.

 

When my Cottonelle Mega Roll pack arrived I immediately noted the soft squishy largeness of each roll. “A dab will do you,” I thought with penny-pincher glee.

Sadly, Cottonelle was a mega disappointment. I feared I was alone in my dislike of Cottonelle and spent some time after dinner last night casually discussing toilet paper with my husband, teenager, and little kids and learned I’m not alone in my dislike.

First of all Cottonelle swiped through my delicate lady region with the ferocity of a thousand sands. All those absorbing little ripples irritated my vajayjay. I actually questioned my ability to wipe myself. Was I too rough? I tried to daintily wipe and that lessened the vag rage, but I seriously did not feel like the clean fresh daisy I know I am. I actually spent time talking with my teen daughter about this and she said she learned to “just keep dabbing and do not wipe” so she didn’t feel like she was using sandpaper.

And can we talk about the lint Cottonelle leaves behind in my behind? I felt like my rear was part of the cotton mill scene in the BBC production of North and South. Richard Armitage wasn’t there so I was not jiving with the feeling of CottonMILL in my butt. (call me, Richard!)

cottonmill

My husband and teen also echoed that Cottonelle was “very linty,” but what about the little kids?

Imagine you have a sweet preschool daughter who shits bricks like a grown man. Imagine after a very messy poop-explosion she asks for some help wiping. Imagine wiping her wee bum with Cottonelle and the horror – HORROR – when half the toilet paper stays in your hand and the other half is in shitty shreds hanging out of her bum like some sort of a DIY birthday party streamer nightmare. Imagine having to locate baby wipes to clean her up while she screams at you that you’re basically a crap mom for treating her like a baby and using wipes. IMAGINE.

Even yuckier than the scraping and lint is Cottonelle’s completely asinine cultural appropriation of yoga. Yes, YOGA. Now I enjoy a nice relaxing yoga session as much as the next anxiety riddled gal, but I’m mindful with my practice. When the British began colonizing India over 300 years ago they stripped yoga of spirituality and vilified those who practiced yoga. Through the years elements of yoga was used for health and exercise with no spirituality and for the last 50 years yoga has enjoyed a resurgence of practice with spirituality. It is difficult to sift through and discern a respectful and culturally sensitive practice from the appropriating practices. In addition some contemporary yoga practices have appropriated spiritual and cultural symbols from yoga and commercialized them to cash in on health conscious modern moms. To approach yoga with reverence and recognition of the deep spirituality and history of yoga is fine, but don’t use it to sell me green tea, expensive “yoga” pants, or TOILET PAPER.

Yes, folks, Cottonelle went there by partnering with some culturally appropriating shit storm of a “yoga” festival called Wanderlust (I don’t know jack about this festival, but the Cottonelle ads are so bad I’m assuming someone at Wanderlust is clueless). Behold:

Image result for wanderlust cottonelle

Transform your mind, body, and bum? Namast’ay clean? REALLY?! You’re going to take a deeply spiritual concept and word and have a bunch of white American women take selfies with toilet paper or “dare to go commando at Wanderlust?” I cannot even with how offensive this is. I identify as Christian and I sure as hell wouldn’t want someone to take the hymn “Washed in the Blood of the Lamb” and make it cute to sell me tampons.

 

No, Cottonelle. I will not wipe my ass with you, but you can sure as hell kiss my ass.
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6 comments

  1. Funny! The thing I remember most about trying this t.p. out years ago is the lint. And that yoga tagline totally makes steam come out my ears. And the whole “go commando” thing … as if my choice to wear underwear is based on whether I feel like I’ve wiped well or not. Yeah, this brand has AWFUL marketers … and lots of lint.

  2. As a fellow Scott user, you’ve convinced me I don’t need to ‘branch out,’ so thank you for that 🙂

    The linty bits is my nightmare of visiting friends. You’ve emboldened me to have “the talk” with them.

    I hope your family recovers!

  3. I was very apprehensive coming into this post. Had Fig and Thistle sold out? But then I read on.. this is pure gold. Never did I expect a North and South reference in a toilet paper review. Bravo!!

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