One day I’ll blog without referencing my lack of blogging or the busyness that consumes my life at the moment. Today is not that day. Instead of dwelling on the tumultuous past few weeks I thought I’d move forward as best as I can. I’m in a bit of a rough patch. Not a plunge into depression like last year, but my PTSD is bad. It started at a Crystal Castles concert earlier in the month. I was up front, got separated from Sam, and someone trying to get a picture was pulling on my shoulder/neck area to reach over me and get a picture. I proceeded to have a panic attack in the middle of the show. Sam got me outside and we left early. The next day I slept even though I had nightmares. Yesterday I had a flashback. I cannot divulge the circumstances as they concern someone else whose story is not mine to tell, but it was horrible. More nightmares. More sleeplessness.
Wow. I had no intentions of blogging all that. Suffice it to say I felt the need to explain why I am making a concentrated effort to return to blogging. Here I may blog about the difficult stuff, but I am always more focused on the fullness and loveliness of my life. Also, I’m really fucking lonely right now. Our schedules are busy and I can feel myself turning inwards too much. Introverting, yes. Isolation, no. I need community.
There are good things happening right now. We found out a town home in our apartment complex is opening up. We managed to nab it and will be moving in October 15th. We’ll be gaining about 250 square feet, a larger porch, storage, and a gas fireplace. It will feel more like a home than our current apartment. In October Sam is conducting a workshop at an Art Education Conference and I’m presenting at a library conference. I’m going to see Sharon Olds and Emma Donoghue in October.
I had a rejection notice today and it lifted my spirits. No, I’m not being sarcastic! There is a HUGE difference between a form rejection and a personal rejection letter. This note said that one of my three submissions was a favorite and almost made it in and they would love to see my work in the future. That makes my day. It gives me a renewed sense of purpose. All of this writing and editing and submitting will come to fruition one day. I’m so worried that I didn’t get into graduate school or the writing residency I applied for and I’m feeling like a big ole faker. A rejection noticed like this affirms that I have what it takes if only I will keep writing and refining.
If I don’t blog in the next day or two I want someone to come harass me on social media. I need to get my rear out of this funk.