Christmas is my time to shine. I love the lights, the baking, the wrapping paper, the time off, the music. It is a time to slow down and appreciate my family, my friends, my home, my life.
I am not feeling it this year.
My week has had some ups and downs, but it has mostly been cheery. I had several thoughtful parcels and cards from friends. I dashed off more Christmas cards with a bright green pen. This morning I cranked up the Bing Crosby and started wrapping presents for the kids. We stayed within our budget and we were able to keep to our goal of giving them stuff they need (clothes, jammies, and shoes), stuff to read, and a few toys that make no noise and encourages them to be creative or play outside. I had coffee by my side, wrapping paper and bows prettily strewn across the table, my cat was excitedly darting amongst the boxes and bows… and it took every ounce of will power to keep from crying. Look at all this happiness I have around me. My friends love me, my husband loves me, my kids love me and I want to forget Christmas, crawl into a hole, and sleep for six weeks. I keep joking with Sam that this year should be themed “a very Tom Wait’s Christmas;” nothing but cigarette ash, empty bourbon bottles, and me singing a bluesy dirge about clinical depression.
I have friends who are surrounded by intense life changes whether it be healing from divorce, mourning the death of a sister, struggling in an illness, or the chaos that comes with welcoming a new baby. Yet, here I am surrounded by so much love, support and privilege and I am barely hanging on. I lack the gumption to do anything these days. It is with very intentional willpower and tenacity that I am staying awake during the day, refusing to shutout my loved ones, and doing things like cooking, bathing, and reading. I REFUSE TO GIVE IN, but that means that some other things need to be released for awhile. I feel like some sort of Voldermort and I keep dividing and splitting my soul over and over again in some freaky attempt to hang on to living my life. Instead, I need to let things go (now the Frozen soundtrack is stuck in my head) and refocus.
I’ve decided to go on a blog holiday for a bit. I’m certainly not leaving blogging for good, but I need to get some priorities straight. Typically I go on an organization and life examination kick right after the holidays in preparation for the new year. I find myself wanting to skip Christmas and go straight to that. I’m pinning bullet journal ideas, making lists of books to read, decluttering the house, and deciding where I give my fucks. Thanks for the inspiration, Andi!
There will be some very specific goals set and actions taken when I get back from Christmas holiday.
- A general blog sprucing and reorganization. This will include rewriting my “about” page and ceasing accepting ARCs for review (with the exception of childhood friend’s book coming out next year).
- A new approach to social media management
- A post about where I’ve decided to give my fucks and how I determined that (hint: it includes a Venn diagram)
- Book challenges and book lists for 2016
- a crash course and tour of my bullet journal layout for 2016
- Introducing a new “life” challenge. The working title was the “Grown Ass Woman” challenge, but I didn’t really want to exclude anyone. I thought about just calling it the “Adulting” challenge, but I know that term annoys folks. Essentially, I’m going to challenge myself to get my shit together. Do my own taxes instead of having my dad do them, make a will (honestly we haven’t made one because we don’t know who we want to get the kids in the event of a tragedy), apply to graduate school, try fiscal responsibility for once and start creeping out of the debt swamp, etc….
I’m excited about planning 2016 and the new, fresh start it will bring. I’ll see you cats next week.