Well here we are. My first “Fashion Friday” post. Y’all, I’m terrified. I seem to be fine taking pictures or food, yarn, and books, but for some reason taking a picture of my clothing seems… shallow? Trite? Narcissistic? But why? I like looking at outfit photos from others. Is it because I don’t feel good enough? Yup. That’s it. Like someone is going to look at my pictures and say “for fuck’s sake who does she think she is?” My body is too fat and my picture taking skills are nonexistent. What do I think I’m doing? It is just a picture of me. Just me. Not hamming it up. Not with my husband, kids, or friends. Not showing off books or thrifted items. Just me. My body. In clothes I like. For all my feminist killjoy “eff you” attitude, for some reason it is still important for people to like and think well of me. I’m hoping that taking a little pride in myself and taking these pictures with increase my self esteem or at least make me more at ease with my body.
I felt so weird taking this picture. My friend at work, Kim- a fellow ModCloth enthusiast, took the picture on my phone. I didn’t know how to stand or angle myself or get the best light. I felt weird, but I’m going to get over that.
Before I get to the picture, let me say that I am mad as hell. All my doctor’s test came back and I am healthy. Like, really healthy. So healthy that even though I weigh 315 pounds I don’t qualify for weight loss surgery. I’m pissed because before they even ran my tests they were all shaking their heads at me and talking about my fat body. This isn’t the first time. Each doctor’s visit. Each pregnancy. Fat Fat Fat… OMG you’re healthy how is that possible?! Sure I need to eat healthy and exercise, but even doing that I may always be bigger and plenty of skinny people are unhealthy. They just get the dignity of being treated like a human with intrinsic value. The thin are “innocence until proven guilty in a court of health.” Me? I walk in and I’m immediately assumed to be a lazy slob living off French fries. fuck that.
Now that I have my fat feminist self in a roar I have the gumption to share with more than Facebook and Instagram friends.
Date: Tuesday, 19 August 2015
Next time I’ll try to get better lighting and touch-up my make-up.