This is an update to the petulant post from earlier this week. You can read that here. I’m feeling better and I think there are several reasons contributing to this lift of spirits:
- I got my labs back from the doctor. I AM COMPLETELY HEALTHY. Blood pressure was 116/69 at my visit. Cholesterol? Healthy. Blood-Sugar? Excellent. Thyroid? Rockin. Diabetes? Nope, not even borderline. When I walked into the doctor’s office they immediately talked to me about diet drugs and maybe even surgery. Now? I don’t even qualify. I am a 35 year-old, 315 pound woman in excellent health. Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
- Hummmm…. but I was feeling so tired, run down, and awful. What the hell was wrong? The only physical thing wrong was sleep deprivation. I need sleep and exercise. The exercise is to help with the sleep and has nothing to do with my weight.
- It is strange to think of “being healthy” outside of weight loss. If I exercise, it isn’t to burn calories and slim down. It is because it releases endorphins and it helps with sleep. If I drink water it isn’t to stave off hunger… it is because I’m thirsty (fancy that). I’m still maintaining not binging, but that is entirely different from a diet. News flash, it doesn’t feel good to binge. Or rather it feels good and horrible at the same time. When I listen to my body I feel better. I can eat some Ginger Molasses Cookie ice cream and enjoy it. I can also eat an organic power greens salad topped with chicken, roasted butternut squash, and a honey dijon dressing and enjoy it. I don’t need to fix my body, I need to fix how my brain treats my body.
- In other words, I’M PHYSICALLY FINE. I’m just going to need that mental health piece to catch up with the physical health.
You know what this means?
Exercise and cutting down on coffee in the evening is key, as that will help with getting a proper amount of sleep at night. Regularly writing in my journal. Attending my therapy appointments. And I’m also making efforts to balance my time: time with Sam and the kids, time at work using my brain, time alone, and time with friends.
I want to take a minute to talk about time with friends.
My friends have been the ones to get me through this depression and anxiety. By friends I mean my IRL friends who I don’t see much, but reach out to talk via text or Facebook. I mean those acquaintances I’m friends with on Facebook who took the time to check on me and offer support. My knitting group. Dear God I love my knitting group. There was a time last week when I was either going to make a stupid decision to engage in harmful behavior or I was going to drive myself to the hospital. I sat crying in my van in a parking lot trying to figure out what to do. Then I had text messages from a dear friend from my knitting group asking where I was and expressing excitement over hot tea. I went to hang with my yarn buddies and felt so much better. The moms commiserating over Twitter. The wonderfully kind-hearted blog comments from all of you kindred spirits. It has made all the difference. A huge chunk of my self care plans involve spending more time with friends.
Sam is supportive, but Sam lives with me. He deals with the worst part of me. He has to take the kids to events when my social anxiety gets bad. He remains calm when I am enraged and panicked over something stupid like “vacuuming the floor wrong.” He keeps the house going when I cannot. His support is invaluable, but I don’t want to heap everything on him. Let me rant and cry over my perceived inadequacies with my friends and then go home calmer and sane. Maybe we will actually make it through this married and still friends.
Let’s recap. I’m healthy. I’m feeling better. I am going to take care of myself. I have great friends. Sam needs a medal.
On to blogging.
I’m also going to try writing less about my anxiety and depression on my blog and spend more time writing in my journal and talking about things with my friends and my therapist. I’m inspired in part by an article I read about Susan Cain quitting her job to write and she talks about over-sharing and encourages people to journal more. There is writing I want to do, but not right now and not in public. I tend to get far more hits on my intensely personal and highly maudlin posts. This makes me nervous, because it doesn’t reflect me. I find a lot of joy in my life even in tough times. Maybe by focusing on the joy I find in life I can make that joy even stronger? I’m not seeking to “fake it ’til I make it.” I’m seeking to think more before I write. When I do publish something personal it will be edited, proofed, polished, and left to rest for the space of several days before I hit publish. There will be realness, but not rawness.
Fig and Thistle will be changing. I plan on writing more and writing with more focus. I’ll write more about this tomorrow in a post, but I’ve spent most of the day restructuring my blog and drafting templates. I’m excited and this will give me a way to showcase how I am consciously choosing life and life to the fullest every damn day I’m on this planet.
Bless all you big, warm-hearted readers and friends.