A Rotten Time

I’m having a rotten time right now, so I thought I’d whine on my blog. I tried talking to Sam and he just rolls his eyes and explains to me that I need to not worry about everything.

I’m being grumpy so don’t judge him. I probably need for someone to tell me to shut up, but you all are far away and reading this with your eyes and I won’t really hear you until later when I read comments. Randomly screaming at the screen from where you are will not impact me in the slightest.

First, a disclaimer. I am woefully sensitive. Horribly sensitive. As much as I pride myself on being an individual and having strong beliefs, I also want people to like me. Please. I want approval and love and friendship and kindness. I crave it. So along with my firm beliefs and weird quirks I’m super sensitive and crave affection. I’m too much. My mom told me when I was little that I was tenderhearted. I will give you everything I own, if I think someone is wronging you I will brainlessly jump into the fray to standup for you. I cry when I drive behind chicken trucks. I cry when I watch the news. I cry when I hear about someone hurting.

The truth: I don’t want anyone to hurt. EVER. Animals, babies, kids, people, strangers. The poor, the sick, the disenfranchised, people who don’t have an advocate. Aching, I wish and look for ways to help. I want to help. Honestly. Prayer, donating, volunteering, and working to instill values in my kids to be “helpers” is how I cope with the horrible realization that I am helpless to help everyone.

Now I do have a sharp tongue and more than enough snark. I do my best to save this for folks who “deserve it.” In other words, if you are mean to my friends, or kick a cat, or say something homophobic/racist/sexist/hateful then I will unleash the full wrath of my tongue. I will Oscar Wilde your ass so quick you won’t know what hit you.

Let’s recap:

1. I want to stand-up and speak my mind for what is right and to protect people who need love and support (like, everyone).

2. I want to be loved and accepted.

Can you see how these two can clash? How sometimes doing one thing sacrifices another. In the past week I’ve had the following things happen:

  • I was called a name by someone I loved. It wasn’t totally unwarranted, but it hurt a lot because I thought that person was a safe person.
  • I had a lady grab my shoulder and embarrass me in the middle of church because I was crocheting. Let me just say that this is a blue jean-wearing, coffee-drinking, rock-music playing church.
  • Crochet lady then proceeded to email and facebook folks to apologize, but not really, saying her teen was staring at my yarn and she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. I was embarrassed for more people knowing the details of the situation, but then more embarrassed that she was right: I was hurt and humiliated. All those eyes staring at me and the debilitating sense that I’d screwed up made me cry. Cry in the middle of church.
  • I’ve been mocked about being vegetarian to the point of annoyance. No, we didn’t have a turkey and guess what? No one starved. I know folks are joking, but it was ALL THE TIME.
  • I happened to disagree with the way our justice system worked (or didn’t work) in regards to the murder of Mike Brown. You can tell how I feel about it by my labeling it murder (because it was). I’m not going into the entire argument, but by posting two or three articles and expressing my sadness at a life ended I have become disgusted with several members of my church and alienated my child’s teacher at school. I was upset with church people making comments that “ISIS could clean up the streets,” that bricks were gift cards, and one person even wrote about “those people they be shooting up they town” (his words, totally). My kid’s teacher called me a racist against whites and made sure to tell me I’m ignorant at least a half-dozen times. Then another parent at the school piped up with tales of how black people really do commit more crimes… violent ones!!! I expressed my desire to remove Atticus from daycare so he won’t have a racist teacher next year and then I was told that I was stepping over a line. What. The. Hell?

Crying. I’m doing a lot of crying, because the world is broken and hurt and no one — even the people who are supposed to feel that hurt more acutely (teachers, cops, church folks) — cares that others are hurting. No one loves without malice. No one is willing to put their necks out for others. I did. And I wish I could say it felt good, but it just feels lonely. I’m lonely, angry, and deeply hurt.

So that’s my post-Thanksgiving post. I’m deleting Facebook after the holidays, I’m resigning a volunteer position at church, and I’m holded up in my Christmas decorated apartment, crying over dead young men, and holding my own babies.

Hey, let’s try to be nice to each other.

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10 comments

  1. Ugh, I’m right there with you, lady. Social media can be such a great thing, but it does a maddening job of bringing out true feelings. I’ve sat in the parking lot of a Starbucks crying over comments on a Michael Brown article, had weepy kitchen hug sessions with my husband and had far too many moments of complete hopelessness over anything changing this week.

  2. Wow. What a terrible week Amanda! I’m sorry things have been going like this for you. To have people turn on you for expression your opinion? I *hate* that. *hugs* ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

  3. I’d give you a big hug if I thought it would help. (And if my arms could stretch the thousands of miles between us.) Reading your words brought up my own hurt feelings from this week and I got more than a little teary eyed reading this. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling the way that you are. BUT I have to say that it says so much about you as a person. You FEEL and you have INTEGRITY and you stick to your beliefs. It isn’t easy to be authentic in a world that tears those sorts of folks to shreds at times. Keep on being you. I, for one, am incredibly proud to know you.

  4. I am especially sorry about what happened at church, which should be a safe haven. The woman owed you an apology, which she should have made to you, and not taken it on-line. It was insensitive to say the least. I hope you’re finding some comfort in holing up – I know for me it helps to shut out the world sometimes & hunker down with cats & books & tea.

  5. You did nothing wrong Amanda. You were just trying to educate people and they were awful in return. It’s impossible to be racist against white people– that’s the reality. Keep doing you. I think it’s great and brave especially here in gainesville. I would ask for my child to be pulled out too– my parents did that for me in 3rd grade for similar reasons and I’m happy they did.

    You’re awesome, lady. *fistbump*

  6. I wish so very much that you weren’t feeling lonely and hurt, because you are one freakin’ awesome woman. I get it; I understand about wanting to hide away from a world that quite frankly sucks so much of the time. A world that is full of hate and injustice and pain. And I do hide away, because sometimes that’s what it takes to regroup. To gather up that inner strength to go out and speak up against the hate and injustice and pain. And you’ll gather up that inner strength again too. I know I don’t know you well, but I feel like I can say that with certainty. Because your heart is too big and generous and loving not to. I repeat: You’re one freakin’ awesome woman! *HUGE HUGS*

  7. Wow. You’ve had one hell of a week. Another blogger said a few days ago on Facebook, how disappointing our friends and loved ones can be when polarizing events happen and draw media attention. We often are surprised by who end up saying hateful things. You have every right to want your child to have a different teacher next year. Anyone who thinks our justice system doesn’t need to be revamped is living in la la land. There isn’t a damn thing wrong with you. Keep putting your neck out. Instead of getting rid of Facebook, start deleting people as friends.

  8. I am sorry you had to deal with all of this.

    Deleting half the people off my Facebook helped a lot with my anxiety. Including deleting and blocking family; if they want me to know something, they can’t use “but we posted it on FB” as excuse…especially when it comes to health issues,etc. (but that’s just me).

  9. I was nodding my head so much to this post. I have a 5 month old baby boy and sometimes I get so upset that the world is like this. I think you did great about the school situation though.
    There are some lovely people in the world, they just tend to not be as vocal as everyone else.

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