Fat Girl Rant … proceed with caution

Just to warn you, this post will suck. There is no careful gathering of words, analyzing, and attempt at thoughtful communication going on right now. Basically I have 30 minutes before I go pick up the kids and start the dinner and house cleaning song and dance. I need to write  vent.

I just weighed in for my university’s “biggest loser” style competition.

I weigh 306 pounds.

I weigh 31 pounds more than I did before I got pregnant.

Bring on the self-loathing.

This shit just got real.

The problem with being fat your whole life is that you are used to being fat your whole life. Trying to lose weight seems like a polite gesture, but something that will never really happen.

I know how to lose weight. I can say all the right words. I’m a mostly-vegan vegetarian. I buy organic food. I don’t buy soda. I haven’t eaten at a Taco Bell in 3 years. I can determine portion sizes and I know that taters are starches and not “veggies”. I know that I need water to flush my system. I’m aware that “low-fat” food is highly processed and actually really bad for you. I know this stuff. I believe it (says the mom who just bought organic yogurt and kale).

What is my problem?

On the surface I’d say my problem is that I love food. I freaking love it. I will bake you the best vegan scones you’ve ever had in your life and then I will eat every single one of those fuckers in a day. I like eating. I enjoy it. I think about it often.  Alas, that’s not my problem.

I’m a damn addict. I replaced the drugs of my teen years with pasta, baked goods, and lattes. When I’m tired I eat. When I’m sad I eat. When I’m happy I eat. When I’m bored I eat. When I’m angry I eat. When I give up on myself I eat. I eat when I can’t sleep. I eat when I can’t write. I eat when I feel lonely. I eat when I’m with friends. I eat a whole fucking lot and I think about it pretty much all the time.

The calorie counting is killing me. Because I bake/cook/prepare so many recipes at home I have to calculate the calories and portions on everything. This leads to constant thinking about food. One meal is done and I start planning and prepping the next.

What will I do?

I’ll do what I know to do. I’ll schedule my eating times and I will plan meticulously. I will exercise.

And I’ll blog. I’ll update my weight here. I’ll write about problems, challenges, and victories.

Right now I don’t feel like I will ever lose weight, but, hey, at least it is a nice gesture.

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14 comments

  1. ((hugs))

    And we’ll be here every step of the way, cheering you on. I know you can do it; you’re one of the stubbornest most awesome people I know. I know a little of what you have conquered in life and I know you can conquer this hurdle too. We got your back, babe.

  2. That’s exactly where I hit in October, 2012 before deciding I needed to make a change…for real this time. I’m only down 25 lbs due to a combination of excuses, but it’s 25 lbs less than when I started. I’m so happy you’re taking charge of your health and doing what’s best for you and, in the long run, for your family. I’m proud of you and hope things go well! If you ever want to talk more about this just let me know. I’m an open book, and I work for a natural health company that is very supportive and helpful. Cheers!

  3. I’m at my heaviest right now. I actually have a post going up about my chunky butt next week! I’ve got 30 lbs to drop before we start trying for baby number two! We can all do it together. But I am like you, food and me, we are BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE!

  4. I have a lot of the same problems, and I know exactly how you feel. It seems impossible to change — it just becomes so much a part of who you are, and how you live. But personally, I have to think about change as a “one day at a time” kind of thing. Just one choice, in one moment, and then another, and then another. And they really can add up! I like that you’re using your blog as an outlet for this — I think it will help a lot. If you ever need someone to vent to, please feel free to message/e-mail me!

  5. Good luck. I’ve been there, lost a lot of weight and put back a bit back on. But a bit can lead to a lot as I know well so I am back on the diet wagon seriously and it certainly gets boring.

  6. It’s funny. I know so many people who seem to accept vegan or vegetarian diets as the be-all-end-all solution to weight gain, when it really isn’t. Just like you say here, it’s really about the amount of food and quality of food you eat. You can gain on a vegan diet and gain on a paleo diet, as well as lose on both.

    Your story is interesting to me, because it reminds me of another person I know. She started her journey around 325 lbs, and she talked of what she called a dark, gnawing hunger, something she could not escape no matter what. She was hungry all the time, no matter how much she ate, no matter how sick she felt, and she thought about food constantly. She finally found something that worked for her and got rid of that. I know it won’t work with you, being vegan/vegetarian, and for her what she really needed was paleo (or, personally, I think what really helped was less the paleo thing, and more the complete removal of flour and sugar, which DOES cause constant blood sugar issues and thus hunger). She doesn’t count calories, just eats according to a specific diet and lifts heavy weights, and she’s lost over 100 lbs in the last year.

    I do hope you find what works for you, Amanda!

  7. Stay strong! We know you know how – you were doing great pre-pregnancy. I was told to go gluten-free this summer to try and help with my rheumatoid arthritis flare-ups. (I don’t use Rx for it, and do my best to work with nutrition/supplements b/c the drugs SCARE me.) Anyway, I went gluten-free and lost 30 pounds without even exercising (I couldn’t exercise at the time). I was stunned at how the weight fell off of me. It was much easier to do it in the summer – coming into fall and the holidays nearly drove me crazy since that’s when I traditionally do a bunch of homemade bread, but I’ve managed to stay away from that. There’s tons of gf options out there. There are limits to how many things you can deprive yourself of at once, though, and maintain your sanity – esp. when you have little ones. So, do what you know, and let yourself have those little treats when you need them. Best of luck to you!

  8. I have exactly the same problem with food, I associate it with every emotion, I love to bake, and basically I am just a glutton. Starting tomorrow hoping to lose 28lbs by the end of April for my sisters wedding- don’t hold your breath!

  9. Good luck, but hey – no self loathing! It’s happened, you’ve put weight on. It happens to the best of us. You’re not worthy of self-loathing because you’re making a decision to tackle a problem, and you’re in the process of finding out the best method to do so. Even that alone isn’t easy, but you deserve to triumph. Remember that.

    And I understand what it’s like being fat your whole life. I was up until three years ago when I lost it all (and I’ve gained some, by the way, I’m not done yet – I’ve hit a bit of a glitch!). It is super hard, but as I say, you deserve to triumph. Be proud of yourself – proud that you’ve made the right decision, and proud that you’re trying. And keep being proud of yourself.

    PS – You’ve not done anything awful! Yes, you’ve hit a problem, but you mustn’t hate yourself.

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