Just to warn you, this post will suck. There is no careful gathering of words, analyzing, and attempt at thoughtful communication going on right now. Basically I have 30 minutes before I go pick up the kids and start the dinner and house cleaning song and dance. I need to
I just weighed in for my university’s “biggest loser” style competition.
I weigh 306 pounds.
I weigh 31 pounds more than I did before I got pregnant.
Bring on the self-loathing.
This shit just got real.
The problem with being fat your whole life is that you are used to being fat your whole life. Trying to lose weight seems like a polite gesture, but something that will never really happen.
I know how to lose weight. I can say all the right words. I’m a mostly-vegan vegetarian. I buy organic food. I don’t buy soda. I haven’t eaten at a Taco Bell in 3 years. I can determine portion sizes and I know that taters are starches and not “veggies”. I know that I need water to flush my system. I’m aware that “low-fat” food is highly processed and actually really bad for you. I know this stuff. I believe it (says the mom who just bought organic yogurt and kale).
What is my problem?
On the surface I’d say my problem is that I love food. I freaking love it. I will bake you the best vegan scones you’ve ever had in your life and then I will eat every single one of those fuckers in a day. I like eating. I enjoy it. I think about it often. Alas, that’s not my problem.
I’m a damn addict. I replaced the drugs of my teen years with pasta, baked goods, and lattes. When I’m tired I eat. When I’m sad I eat. When I’m happy I eat. When I’m bored I eat. When I’m angry I eat. When I give up on myself I eat. I eat when I can’t sleep. I eat when I can’t write. I eat when I feel lonely. I eat when I’m with friends. I eat a whole fucking lot and I think about it pretty much all the time.
The calorie counting is killing me. Because I bake/cook/prepare so many recipes at home I have to calculate the calories and portions on everything. This leads to constant thinking about food. One meal is done and I start planning and prepping the next.
What will I do?
I’ll do what I know to do. I’ll schedule my eating times and I will plan meticulously. I will exercise.
And I’ll blog. I’ll update my weight here. I’ll write about problems, challenges, and victories.
Right now I don’t feel like I will ever lose weight, but, hey, at least it is a nice gesture.